Heroes Not Zombies

The first of Montaigne’s twenty answers to the question of how to live (according to Sarah Bakewell) explores the issue of death. That might seem an odd place to start, because surely death is at the end of the story. However, it was an accident which gave Montaigne a near death experience and changed his whole way of thinking about life. It was this event which prompted him to begin exploring his own sensations, thoughts and emotions, and writing about them. In other words it was a near death experience which inspired Montaigne to create a whole new way of writing.

Prior to the accident he wrestled with the classical teaching of the Stoics who taught we should imagine our death, vividly, and in great detail, in order to prepare ourselves for dying when the time came. The trouble was he didn’t find thinking about and imagining his own death did anything other than increase his anxiety about it. He didn’t feel it was preparing him for it at all.

When I read that, I thought of the many Woody Allen films where his character constantly worries about death!

Montaigne processed his near death experience and concluded that the most striking thing was how dying felt a bit like falling asleep. It seemed like slipping from life into death was almost like floating effortlessly from the one to the other. Not a frightening process at all. Yet even as he was experiencing it, it seemed his unconscious body was writhing around, he’d been told. The inner experience didn’t seem to match the outward one.

As a doctor, you can imagine, I’ve witnessed many deaths over the years, and I’ve often wondered about those very final moments where, it seems, “the lights go out”. It’s always been a dramatic and emotional experience and I still don’t really understand exactly what happens at the final point of transition. In fact, “point” is the wrong word. It’s typically something that happens over a period of time greater than just a moment. But I’m not sure I ever imagined it was the way Montaigne described his near death experience.

Until one night on the island of Capri a couple of decades ago. As a young adult I ate oysters on two occasions and I was violently sick afterwards both times. As I grew up in central Scotland my family never ate seafood so I didn’t have any experience of mussels, clams, scallops and so on. One evening on Capri I was at a party and had spaghetti vongole. That was the night I discovered I had a shellfish allergy.

In the middle of the night I woke violently sick and rapidly got much worse. My wife went for help and I remember as a lay on the toilet floor realising I couldn’t move my legs any more and when I tried to speak no words came out. I knew in that moment I was really seriously ill and I still remember the floating feeling I had and the clear and distinct thought – “well, this is it. I’ve had a good life but I’ll be off now”.

Of course, I recovered. I wouldn’t be writing this today if I hadn’t. But that was my own personal near death experience. That all came back to me when I read Montaigne’s description. It did indeed feel from the inside a floating, slipping, easy transition. Not something to be afraid of.

Once Montaigne understood this he decided that, for him, at least, the old teachings about preparing for your death weren’t helpful. That, rather, death would come unexpectedly and naturally. He decided that instead of preparing to die, he’d put his efforts into living.

He shifted his focus from death to life. He decided to put his efforts, instead, into living a full, rich and fulfilling life. A good life. In the rest of his book he describes how he went about that. Each chapter is about his attempts to do that – “Essais”, translated as “Essays”, is the title of his book, but that French word actually means attempts, trials or tries. He describes what it was like to be Montaigne and as he does so uncovers many of the general issues we all share. So it’s common, even for contemporary readers, to wonder – “how did he know that’s what I experience?”

Well, that’s certainly my experience about this subject. For me, too, I’ve long since chosen to focus on living my life to the full.