Heroes Not Zombies

I’ve long thought that there is a dilemma at the core of the human being which comes from two apparently opposite needs. The need to belong, and the need to be an autonomous, unique, separate self.

How do we achieve that?

We are social creatures. We’ve evolved that way. We have the most sophisticated and complex neurology which allows us to do much more than create connections and relationships with others. It allows us to empathise, to get in tune with, others. It enables us to influence and be influenced by others.

This pandemic has shown us even more clearly than ever that we are social creatures. We need our relationships. We need our families, friends, colleagues.

From the moment we are born we need to create healthy, strong relationships with others…..without them, we would die.

It’s also pretty clear that we all share this one little planet, and that the air, the water and the nutrition that we all need exists in inter-connected cycles and ecosystems – all without borders.

But we are all unique and separate individuals. We each have a finely tuned immune system which recognises anything which is “not me”. We have well-developed personal boundaries and borders. And we are all actually unique. The universe has never created you before, never created anyone identical to you before, and never will in the future. As we weave the events, experiences and relationships of our lives into our personal biology, we develop a completely unique set of memories, beliefs, values, characteristics and behaviours. We are all different. We all have a unique narrative to share.

You might think what we need is a balance between these two needs – a balance between separateness and belonging. But balance doesn’t seem to be quite the right concept to me.

It seems that we need to be healthily separate and healthily connected, both a the same time. We need to see, acknowledge and respect the uniqueness of every human being we meet, AND we need to build bonds of commonality, as well as understanding the vast interwoven networks of co-dependency and co-creation without which none of us could exist.

I guess it’s back to my favourite “and not or” – we really, really need to pay attention to, and nurture, both of these needs – in ourselves and in others.