Heroes Not Zombies

Chapter 8 in Sarah Bakewell’s book takes its title directly from Montaigne.

We should have wife, children, goods and above all, health, if we can; but we must not bind ourselves to them so strongly that our happiness depends on them. We must reserve a back shop all our own, entirely free, in which to establish our real liberty and our principal retreat and solitude.

Montaigne meant this both literally and metaphorically. Let’s take literally first. If you visit Montaigne’s chateau today you can explore the tower at one end of the building. He created a chapel on the ground floor and his library on the floor above. This was his part of the house, where he had solitude and privacy. His mother lived in the main house, and his wife had a tower of her own at the opposite end of the building.

When I visited and read about this arrangement I was reminded of Virginia Woolf’s “A room of one’s own”. In my house I have a study where I have my library, where I can read, think and write. However, most people don’t have that luxury. Many people’s homes are too small to let anyone in the family have a room of their own – apart from a bedroom perhaps, which can, perhaps, also provide this “private space” function.

There’s another way to enjoy solitude and privacy, a way I frequently recommended to patients – the Artist’s Date. I read this idea in Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way”. Here’s what you do.

Schedule an event in your diary, the same way you would for an appointment with a someone, or for a meeting. The event should last for at least an hour, but could be a morning, an evening, or even a whole day…..whatever works for you.

This is event is YOUR date. You protect it and respect it the same way you would any other appointment you’d made. If someone asks you to do something at that time, you say sorry, you have a prior engagement.

There are two rules about this date – you have to do it alone. If you want to spend time with someone else, then arrange that for another time. The Artist’s Date is YOUR time. Secondly, you must spend it doing something you enjoy. It can be a visit to a park, or a gallery, or a time to paint, to write, to play music….whatever it is that you enjoy. You can’t use the time to tick items off your To Do list, to catch up on housework or plan some work. It’s time to enjoy, time to play.

You can repeat this as often as you want and is viable for you….once a week, once every couple of weeks, or whatever.

Let’s consider the metaphorical now. The private space, or “back shop” he referred to was a kind of non-attachment. It was about not grasping too tightly onto anything or anyone. Montaigne could manage this to the point of seeming aloof or detached. But if you look at his life as a whole you would see a man deeply engaged with others, playing games with his family, as well as standing apart, in his own tower, at other times.

There’s a healthy balance to be found between private time and non-attachment and communal time and engagement. And the “right balance” is different for different people. But we all need some space, and some head space, to ourselves.