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Archive for the ‘personal growth’ Category

Seth Godin is one of my favourite bloggers. I have his blog on my rss feed reader (google reader) and I frequently enjoy his short, thought-provoking posts.

Today he posted a piece entitled The wealthy gardener where he mentions that he was asked at a talk how to make a lot of money blogging. Seth says he wouldn’t be surprised if at another talk on orchid growing somebody asks how to make a lot of money growing orchids.

He says

Sure, people make money growing orchids. Some people probably get rich growing orchids. Not many though. And my guess is that the people who do make money gardening probably didn’t set out to do so.

The lesson he says is

the benefits kick in best when you don’t set out to achieve them.

This is a very different counsel from the one we read more commonly – that the way to get what you want is to set it as a clear goal, visualise it, then pursue it relentlessly.

I like this message – I think you should do what you feel passionate about – and sometimes, sure, that activity might bring a decent income.

What do you think?

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In his Choice Theory, William Glasser make the point that we are all born “genetically programmed” to have five basic needs. However, we don’t all have each particular need to the same degree as another person. Our personal mix of these five needs will tell us a lot about our personal motivations and what lies behind the choices we make in life. The five needs are

  1. Survival
  2. Belonging (love and loving sex)
  3. Power
  4. Freedom
  5. Fun

He makes suggestions to help you figure out the strengths of these various needs in your own life.

If you have found that you are less willing to take risks than most people, you have a high need for survival.

The key to assessing the strength of your need for love and belonging is how much you are willing to give.

To assess the strength of your need for power, ask yourself if you always want to have your own way, to have the last word, to own people, and to be seen as right in most of what you do or say.

If you can’t stand the idea of following rules, conforming, or even staying in one place or with one group of people for very long, you have a high need for freedom.

If you enjoy learning and laugh a lot when you do, you have a high need for fun.

You get the idea? Of course, you could say that ALL of us have ALL of these needs. The point is to understand which of these resonate most strongly with you. Because that’ll be your prime motivator.

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William Glasser, in his Choice Theory, says this –

I disagree with the usual psychiatric thinking that you can learn from past misery. When you focus on the past, all you are doing is revisiting the misery. One trip through the misery is more than enough for most people. The more you stay in the past, the more you avoid facing the present unhappy relationships that are always the problem.

I’m with him on that – “One trip through the misery is more than enough for most people” – what a great quote! Whilst telling the story of the past can be important part of making sense of an experience and of understanding something of another person’s life, the solutions to the present suffering or distress don’t lie in revisiting. It’s not enough to just “get it out”. What matters is what you are choosing to DO today. How are you coping with life NOW as you are living it. That’s an empowering point of view because you can’t change the past, but you sure can change something about what you are doing today. Glasser believes that “present unhappy relationships that are always the problem”. Well, I’m always wary when I see that word “always”! It’s unlikely that there is a single cause, or type of cause, for all problems. He says –

What I will teach him is that he is not satisfied with a present relationship, the problem that always brings people to counselling. His past could have contributed to the problem, but even though most current psychotherapies initially focus on it, the past is never the problem.

I do think he’s onto something here, even if he’s pushing  things a bit with his “always” and “never”. There are, of course, a number of psychological approaches which focus on the present as opposed to spending hours digging through the past but not all so explicitly attempt to uncover the present unsatisfying relationship as the thing to focus on. The following three quotes make this very clear –

There is no need to probe at length for the problem. It is always an unsatisfying present relationship.

Since the problem is always in the present, there is no need to make a long intensive investigation of the client’s past. Tell him the truth: The past is over; He cannot change what he or anyone else did. All he can do now is, with my help, build a more effective present.

In traditional counselling, a lot of time is spent both enquiring into and listening to the clients complain about their symptoms [which makes it harder to get to the real problem]……..what the client is choosing to do now.

I remember the first time I realised I was on the wrong path when counselling a patient with postnatal depression who had been sexually abused as a child. On one of the one hour sessions she said to me “Look, I really do appreciate you taking all this time to listen to me, but every time I spend an hour talking to you about the past abuse I feel worse. I think I need a break from this. I think I need to live now.” Well, that woman taught me an important lesson about counselling – that it wasn’t enough to just let someone talk about the past, and that the present is where we live now so we all need better tools to live now, not better tools to remember the last miseries. I also realised at that point that different people had different needs and there was no one model of counselling which would fit everyone.

As I’ve learned from patients and learned from further reading and training, I’ve discovered I’ve a great affinity for focusing on what’s in life NOW and what coping strategies we’re using NOW. But I haven’t had the thought before that the problem ALWAYS lies in a current unsatisfying relationship. Maybe that’s worth exploring a bit more, but, what has made sense for me so far is that there are different areas of focus (and therefore different priorities) for different people. Sure, for many people, the most significant area is relationships, emotions and feelings. But for others the most significant area is something physical, practical, maybe work-oriented. And for yet others, the focus is on something spiritual, their disconnectedness to whatever is greater than themselves, or their search for meaning.

What do you think? Do these theories ring true for you?

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One of the most powerful, and most challenging, characteristics of Reality Therapy, is Choice Theory. When you are suffering, or upset, it seems pretty normal to use what William Glasser calls External Choice Theory and blame somebody for it. But, as he points out, in all circumstances we have choices. Bad things still happen, and Choice Theory does not mean that we choose to have bad things happen. However, in any circumstances we can choose between different actions, and we can choose to change how we think about something. (There’s something here in common with Viktor Frankl’s logotherapy I think. He said that what matters is what “stand” we take – how we respond in the various situations which we find ourselves in, and what actions we take)

It’s strange how challenging and apparently harsh it can seem to focus on making choices. I think there is an assumption that if you can make choices then you must have chosen the suffering you find yourself experiencing, but I think this is a seriously misguided interpretation. There’s a world of difference between making choices and being in control of everything. The world is not only full of random events, from accidents, to earthquakes, tsunamis and floods, but it’s also full of other people, all following their own agendas and taking their own actions which affect both other people and the environments in which we all live. Making choices as a continual process is an incredibly empowering exercise. It’s the use of external choice theory which paralyses, despairs and makes victims of us all.

So, next time you’re not so happy about something, instead of looking for someone to blame, think what you’d like to do now instead – in other words, focus on not only making choices, but seeing them through. It feels completely different to do something positive instead of complaining and blaming!

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Now and again I read a book that significantly changes things for me. Sometimes, it’s because the author describes new concepts I had never previously encountered. Sometimes, it’s because the author makes something I wasn’t sure about suddenly very clear. And, yet other times, it’s because the author’s words or ideas take my understanding of something to another level.

Books like The Joy of Philosophy, Linked, and Why Do People Get Ill are all good examples.

Recently, I stumbled across the work of William Glasser. His idea of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory immediately appealed to me so I bought one of his books. Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom. I’ve just finished reading it and I’m going to share a few things with you in a number of posts.

One of his key ideas is captured with the term “total behaviour”. What he means is that all behaviour is “total behaviour”.  All behaviour is made up of four elements –

  1. Acting
  2. Thinking
  3. Feeling
  4. Physiology

We can control our acts, and our thoughts, but we can’t directly control our feelings or our physiology. However, what we do and what we think affects our feelings and our bodies – for example, if you step into a dark empty house you might start to think about ghosts or people hiding in the darkness. Such a thought will make you feel scared and set your heart racing and quicken your breath. If you’re thought on entering the dark empty house is just “where’s the light switch” you won’t be feeling the fear and your heart and lungs won’t be speeding up. OK, that’s a very simplistic example, but I’m sure you get the idea. Everything in interconnected. The flows are two way. Just as a thought can influence your body or your feelings, so can a bodily change influence your feelings and your thoughts (and so your actions).

This holistic concept of whole being changes in different situations reminded me of the work of the General Semanticists of the mid 20th century.  They too talked about these links between the body and the mind. They used a different term from “total behaviour” – they used “organismic changes or responses”. But it was a similar idea. In much more recent times we’ve begun to see emerging areas of scientific study termed “psychoneuroimmunology” and “psychoneuroendocrinology” which are helping us to understand the mechanisms of these two way influences between body and mind.

I think it’s a great concept to keep in mind – that these four aspects of behaviour are always present and connect the many diverse parts of ourselves so that our whole self always works in unison. When you’re feeling bad, or your body is playing up, this understanding will help you to realise all is not lost. You can work on your thoughts and you can choose different actions and your feelings and your body will respond.

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New research from Edinburgh University claims that happiness is partly determined by your genes.

In fact, they claim that

genes may control half the personality traits keeping us happy. The other half is linked to lifestyle, career and relationships

This study was one of those identical twin studies where the researchers compare identical twins. These studies are great favourites with psychologists and are used to highlight traits which each twin (who has his or her own uniquely different social setting) shares – as the twins have different social backgrounds, the commonalities are reckoned to be more to do with their shared genetic make-up.

The Edinburgh researchers looked at the presence of three traits – tendency to worry, sociability and conscientiousness – all three of which have been linked to happiness and well-being in other studies.

“Although happiness is subject to a wide range of external influences we have found there is a heritable component of happiness which can be entirely explained by genetic architecture of personality.”

So, is this a depressing study? No, not at all. It strikes me as very logical that part of who we are is influenced by our genes – we are dealt a hand we have to play. And part is determined by modifiable factors in our lives. This conclusion is supported by those who promote positive psychology techniques. Dr Alex Linley of the Centre for Applied Positive Psychology said –

“What it means is that, rather than a single point, people have a range of possible levels of happiness – and it is perfectly possible to influence this with techniques that are empirically proven to work. “Simple things, like listing your strengths and using them in new ways every day, or keeping a journal where you write down, every night, three things that you are grateful for, have been shown to deliver improvements.”

I agree with him. There’s a lot of mileage in understanding what our range is (the hand we are dealt) and learning how to grow within that range to have the best experience of life we can.  In fact, I think this is a more defensible view than the New Age kind of thinking promoted in the likes of the “you can be anything you want to be” brigade.

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snow seat, originally uploaded by bobsee.

Some people are very sensitive to change. I’ve met people who become unwell at every change of the weather (quite a problem for someone living in Scotland I can tell you!). There are even people who are sensitive to the melting of the snow. The melting of the snow? Yes. Strange, huh? But really such a sensitivity is a particular hypersensitivity to change.
The reality is that everything is always changing. It’s the one constant in the world. Nothing, but nothing, stays the same.
We’re all different though. Some people relish change. They love it, thrive on it. Others are terrified of it and pour all their energies into trying to keep as much the same as possible.
How about you?
What changes do you relish? And which do you try to prevent?

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Doctors are expected to be sure. I can’t remember the actual reference but years ago I read a study conducted by a UK General Practitioner where he randomly allocated his patients with acute viral infections (I think) into two groups. One group he told he knew exactly what was wrong with them, it wasn’t serious, there wasn’t a treatment for it but it would soon be better. The other group he told he thought he knew what was wrong with them but couldn’t say for certain, didn’t think it was serious but expected it would soon go away by itself and there wasn’t a treatment. In both cases he was telling the truth. The emphasis was on greater or lesser certainty. He found that when he used the “I’m sure” style of consulting, the patient’s satisfaction and the outcomes were better. He called this the “good consultation”. That study always bothered me because it seemed to me that the best consultation was the one which didn’t pose the doctor as the all-knowing expert. And yet….I also knew that the doctor who didn’t seem to be sure of anything didn’t do his or her patients many favours either.

Jerome Groopman, in How Doctors Think, says

What we know is based on only a modest level of understanding. If you carry that truth around with you, you are instantaneously ready to challenge what you think you know the minute you see anything that suggests it might not be right.

I agree with that. We often forget that what we know is always only a little. My first consultation with a patient lasts one hour. It is very common for people to say at the end of that hour that they feel they’ve been listened to properly for the first time. I hope they feel understood, but I always say in my summing up with them, that to spend an hour with someone might seem a long time in medicine but who can know a person in an hour? Yes, I hope I understand this person better and I hope they have gained some understanding of themselves too, but I can surely know only a very little about their life in one hour. Goodness, it takes us a lifetime to understand ourselves let alone another person! I find it helpful to keep that in mind, to never assume I know all that I need to know about a patient. There will always be more to discover, and always be a better understanding to be reached. I also agree with that second sentence about noticing things that don’t fit and being challenged by that. Certainty is really the enemy of understanding in that regard. People judge others, or claim to know “for sure” all that needs to be known about a person or a subject, and that stops them from thinking.

I find that latter issue common amongst people who dismiss homeopathy because it doesn’t fit with their current understanding of how the world works. Actually it amazes me that many such people claim to be “skeptics” because the original skeptics never did claim certainty!

Jerome Groopman describes three kinds of uncertainty – that which comes from not being in command of what is known; one from the limitations of what is known by humankind; and the third is the inability to distinguish between these two limits – in other words when we are not sure it our lack of certainty is due to our personal knowledge or to what is known by humanity. That’s quite an interesting take on this issue. We can never have perfect personal knowledge and often we’ll doubt because we think if only we learned a bit more we’d know for sure, when actually everybody shares our imperfect knowledge.

I do think that certainty is the greatest enemy of an open mind. I often come across writing on the web, or in books, where the person’s mind is shut tight – all because they think what they know is the absolute Truth, and nobody can tell them anything. However, we do need a degree of certainty to be able to function on a day to day basis. Groopman again –

the denial of uncertainty, the proclivity to substitute certainty for uncertainty, is one of the most remarkable human psychological traits. It is both adaptive and maladaptive, and therefore both guides and misguides.

and

there are limits to living with uncertainty. It can paralyse action.

So what to do? Be more sure? Or try to live with a greater sense of uncertainty? Carmine Coyote recently wrote about this in Slow Leadership. I liked her conclusion –

The options you have today should be seen as “templates” that you can start to modify and shape into something better; not some immutable position that must be accepted unaltered. Those who favor a position always like to characterize their own as the only possible one, and frighten you with the supposed dangers of the opposite choice. Their opponent do the same thing. Neither group want you to consider a middle path, since that weakens their claim that you must choose only between them. In reality, there are always going to be other options, many that haven’t yet been discovered or created. Some of these may be much better that those available today. If we aspire to be leaders of any kind — or even just to live a full and happy life — it’s our job to try to find them. Choosing only between what’s currently available appeals to the macho mind because it’s quick, simple, and appears decisive. Finding new options requires time, thought, and the willingness to sit with uncertainty for maybe long periods — all things that are anathema to today’s short-term,Hamburger Management leaders. It’s that attitude that helped to get us into the mess we’re in.

Excellent. So, that’s what to do, isn’t it? It’s decisiveness based on careful attempts to make your best understanding, whilst keeping you mind open to alternatives and new information. Essentially its about living consciously with the knowledge of uncertainty and making the best choices you can make each day in the light of your present understanding.

As is so often the case, there’s no black and white, right or wrong answer to this. We are dynamic, constantly grow

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Here’s another study which shows the health benefits of writing about your experience. We all use narrative to make sense of our lives, so you’ll understand that writing about our experiences can help us to do just that – to makes sense of our experience. However, more than that, narrative is a creative, expressive act. It’s a way of affirming our existence, connecting to others and of growing. It helps us to develop.

In this study 71 patients with cancer were asked to write about “How has cancer changed you, and how do you feel about those changes?”

After the writing assignment, about half of the cancer patients said the exercise had changed their thinking about their illness, while 35 percent reported that writing changed the way they felt about their illness. Three weeks after the writing exercise, the effect had been maintained. Writing had the biggest impact on patients who were younger and recently diagnosed.

Changing how you think and how you feel changes your everyday experience so it’s no surprise these respondents reported improvements in the quality of their lives.

It’s interesting  to note how important it is to write about feelings to get the good effect –

“Thoughts and feelings, or the cognitive processing and emotions related to cancer, are key writing elements associated with health benefits,’’ said Nancy P. Morgan, director of the center’s Arts and Humanities Program. “Writing about only the facts has shown no benefit.”

One final point worth noting is that whilst, as you may have expected, many wrote that the experience of cancer had been life-changing, perhaps what is more surprising is that many made statements about the gains which they had obtained from the cancer experience.

One patient wrote: “Don’t get me wrong, cancer isn’t a gift, it just showed me what the gifts in my life are.”

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twilight, originally uploaded by bobsee.

We are all different. One of the most obvious differences between us is temporal. Are you a morning person? Do you leap up out of bed on waking ready to engage with a new day? Or do you slowly emerge from a distant faraway Land of Nod, taking your time to gingerly explore the morning light?
Do you come alive in the evenings?
Are you a night owl?
Being aware of when you’re at your best and when you’re at your least effective can help you lead a better life by planning to do what you want to do as often as you can at the times which work best for you.
When is your best time of day for reading? And when is your best time for doing something creative?

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